i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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