you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
