You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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