I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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