omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
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