yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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