Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize