im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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