If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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