Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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