You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
