Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
