The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
