i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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