Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
