Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
this just has baby written all over it
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
soo... how was my night?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
