I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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