I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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