after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
my poor anus
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
