If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
