So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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