True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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