Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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