Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
