I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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