I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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