No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
