Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
