I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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