For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The power of my boobs compel you
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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