Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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