Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
