I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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