is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Randomize
