bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
