nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
