great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
