my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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