New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize