I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
