nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
