I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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