I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
