She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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