i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
