I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
