the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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