He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize