guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
