highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
