: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
