Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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