Just fell off a train. Bad.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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