my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
even my farts smell like vagina
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
