and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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